Humorous Quotations

Humorous Quotations from Groucho Marx, WC Fields, Woody Allen, Mark Twain, ect.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~ Sam Levenson
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~ Dick Cavett
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~ Funny Quotes
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~ Humorous Quotations
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~ Jack Benny
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~ George Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~ Bob Hope
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~ Mel Brooks
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. ~ David Letterman
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked brightness, but it doesn't work. ~ Gallagher
The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~ Rimmer - Red Dwarf
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. ~ Oscar Levant
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. ~ Oscar Levant
When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion. ~ Oscar Levant
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. ~ Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
~ Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ~ Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. ~ Oscar Wilde
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. ~ Oscar Wilde
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it's all over much too soon. ~ Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ~ George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? ~ George Carlin
I'm an experienced woman, I've been around... well, alright, I might not have been around, but I've been nearby.
~ Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. ~ Joan Rivers